Wednesday, June 16, 2010

not there

I find I get on the computer over and over. I've checked my email (sweepstakes entry invites); I've checked Facebook (playdates & date nights & rehashing of get-togethers that I wasn't part of again). Then I realize what I'm looking for. And I'm not going to find it on the computer. I'm looking for the rest of me, the part that's been dislodged. My heart searches all the time and when I get online, there's always a part of me trying to remember what I was going to do. . . Now that I've put it in words, I hope my subconscience stops hoping to find it. It's not there.

don't let me be lonely tonight

I miss the person who (I thought) used to be here. Not the one he is now. The one he was then. Who glimpsed my pain and deflected its force. Who occasionally would hint at his own pain, which I would be sure to buffer if possible.

We could laugh together at things, the way old friends do. Now we never will.

I miss being part of a family - part of anything, really. How long 'til I'm part of something again? Or will I always be alone like this - in head and heart and home?

Question I'd like answered today: Why did you have to be cruel instead of accepting divorce like a man? Why did you have to ruin what could have been in our future?

Sunday, May 9, 2010

movies about dead husbands

The DVR rebooted this evening, Mother's Day evening, shortly after I surrendered my beautiful girls to the wuz. Left adrift in a beautiful block of time I thought I'd never be caught up in, I'm on the couch wrapped in a blanket watching a Sandra Bullock (tribute?) movie marathon. In this one, any man that a woman from this family loves is cursed to die & Sandra's beloved has just died. She's been staying in bed for days.

If only she knew how lucky she was. She knows where he went & when & how. So much easier to recover from than not knowing what brought this all about, at what point it started to splinter or how much longer and in what form the devastation will drag on.

The DVR purging my security blanket of mystery & crimeshows is a sure sign that I'm to find another option for these beautiful blocks of time I find myself caught up in. Hope I find it soon! Miss Congeniality is on next. No husbands die in that one.